1 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,792 (Chiming) 2 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,230 Evening news! The Standard! 3 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,276 Evening news - Standard! 4 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:11,070 Early edition! Evening news - Standard! All the runners and riders. Paper! 5 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,118 - Evening news is here! - (Squealing tyres) 6 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:17,669 Ha! 7 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,032 OK, Fred. 8 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,553 - Hello, Mum. - So you've done it again. 9 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,389 Look! I've had a reply from your grandfather's lawyer. 10 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,630 Oh, Mum! 11 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,599 You haven't been writing to Grandad again to get me another job! 12 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:07,151 Why not? It's time he took responsibility for his own grandson. 13 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,676 But, Mum... 14 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,354 he's the Prime Minister of Great Britain. 15 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,796 - (Tuts) - He can't do anything for me. 16 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,440 - Don't be silly! - Oh! 17 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,110 He gets me all the wrong jobs! 18 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,795 Banker, accountant... (Haughtily) Stockbroker... 19 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:29,950 I haven't been educated for that stuff! 20 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,271 You have an appointment with him at 10.30. 21 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,954 Now come home and put on your best suit. 22 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,474 You mustn't be late, whatever happens! 23 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,838 (Groaning) Oh! 24 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,876 (Squealing tyres) 25 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,480 They've been waiting an hour and ten minutes! 26 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,870 - I couldn't help it. - (Both) "The traffic was terrible." 27 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,712 Ah-ay-ay! 28 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,914 Hello? Norman Shields here. 29 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,070 Are you receiving me? Over. 30 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,876 Wait. Over. 31 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:19,549 As Attorney General, Prime Minister, I have for years beseeched you 32 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,313 to accept responsibility for your grandson. 33 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,958 (Mutters) Mm. Erm... 34 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,237 Mm-mm... Damnation, Mr Ballard. 35 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,993 You know full well... mm... 36 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,231 that I cut my daughter off without a penny 37 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:38,791 when... when she married that, mm, that... that lout. 38 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,555 I know, I know. But he is still your grandson, Sir Wilfred. 39 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,393 Times have changed. These are modern days. 40 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:50,508 Er, er... Modern days. Bah! Er... give me the good old days. 41 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:54,195 Now, when I was on the threshold of life... 42 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:56,669 (Tuts) Oh, dear. Not again. 43 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,191 I-I-lt seems... but yesterday... 44 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:19,354 mm-mm... that... that I was an undergraduate... 45 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,149 at... at, mm, erm, Oxford. 46 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:31,436 And... And a fine upstanding young fellow I was too. 47 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,398 That year... I met Isobel. 48 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:41,070 'I dreamt of the day when I could hold her in my arms. 49 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,469 'But the fulfilment of those dreams... 50 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,552 'came as rather a surprise.' 51 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,552 Oh, Wilfred, you're magnificent! 52 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,756 Such control. Such grace. 53 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,354 Oh, I say! Do you really think so? 54 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,911 Oh, absolutely! Such determination. Such... power. 55 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,230 - (Crack) - Such strength. 56 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,279 Oh! 57 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,391 (Squeals) Oh, Wilfred! Help! Save me! 58 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,118 Water! 59 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,472 Oh! 60 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,470 Oh, it's all right, darling. It's only shallow here. 61 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,516 I'll save you. 62 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,277 Isobel! 63 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:55,513 Wilfred! 64 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,193 Oh! 65 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,111 Aah! 66 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,110 Oh, my darling Isobel! 67 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,509 I adore you! 68 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,033 Daddy! 69 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,157 And so... a marriage was arranged. 70 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:23,836 Events took their natural course and a daughter was born. 71 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:30,268 Little Emily grew up and blossomed into a true English rose. 72 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:35,480 But alas, the beautiful rose became a thorn in my side. 73 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,148 'Women... staged, mm, demonstrations 74 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,708 'demanding... equality. 75 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,992 'Emily became... a suffragette 76 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:55,918 'and, chaining herself to the railings of this historic old building, 77 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,915 'she actually shouted:' 78 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,468 Votes for women! Votes for women! 79 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:05,155 We demand sex equality! We want our rights! 80 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,596 (All, chanting) We want votes! We want to be 81 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:11,513 Recognised by all as the head of the family! 82 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,876 We want equality, we demand our rights! 83 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,679 We love Emily because of the way she fights! 84 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:21,469 Chain me to the railings, starve me, let me die 85 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,358 - Why can't women vote like men? - (All) Why, why, why? 86 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,193 We want votes! We want to be 87 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,158 Recognised by all as the head of the family! 88 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:34,518 Why don't you leave off? A woman's place is in the kitchen. 89 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:37,750 Let's have a bit of peace and quiet. 90 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,592 We want votes! 91 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,195 'Fate chose this precise moment to intervene.' 92 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,840 - (Thunder) - 'The rains came.' 93 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:57,313 - Wanna come down here? - Votes for women! Votes for women! 94 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,789 - Votes for... - (Thunder) 95 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,916 Help! Help! 96 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,036 (Thunder) 97 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,798 (Sighs) 98 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,996 'Thus the blue-blooded dignity of our family 99 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,548 'was shattered.' 100 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:58,316 And so the wedding took place between my daughter, Emily, 101 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,118 and... and 102 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,156 (Mumbles crossly) 103 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,674 Bert... Shields. 104 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,116 A... A... sewer man. 105 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:13,399 A union blessed by the birth of a son. 106 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,835 My grandson. 107 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,148 Norman. 108 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,952 (Clears throat) 109 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,716 Morning, Mr Ballard. You were expecting me. 110 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,558 Yes. 111 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,710 One hour and ten minutes ago. 112 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,515 This way. 113 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,636 Say hello. 114 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,278 Hello... 115 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,635 er, Grandad. 116 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,235 Do-Don't you call me G-Grandad! 117 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,108 Really, Prime Minister. After all, he is your grandson. 118 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,475 And you can't blame me. 119 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,710 Hold your tongue and sit down. 120 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:16,958 So... what kind of job are we going to get him this time, Ballard? 121 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,349 But I've already got a job, ain't I? 122 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,913 Yesterday, I stumbled on what may be a solution. 123 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,515 Major Bartlett, one of your Conservatives, owns a newspaper. 124 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,472 Hmph. Er... Miss Thompson? 125 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:34,838 See if you can find Major Bartlett in the House. 126 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,911 'He's already here, Sir.' 127 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,552 (Clears throat) I took the liberty. 128 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,073 Hmph. 129 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,791 Mm, yes, mm. Journalism... eh? 130 00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,474 Well, that's what I'm doing already. 131 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:53,075 - You know, in a way. - In a way? 132 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:56,675 I sell newspapers outside Westminster tube station, don't I? 133 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,912 A... A newsboy? 134 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,072 (Mumbles) In Westminster? 135 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:05,872 Oh... oh... 136 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,636 You... You... You knew about this, Ballard? 137 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:15,872 Yes, Prime Minister. That's why I thought a change would be a good idea. 138 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,349 Show Major... Major... 139 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,796 Show Major, er... erm, in. 140 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,955 (Clock chimes) 141 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,715 Er, er... Major, er... 142 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,030 erm, erm... Burrows. 143 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,156 - Bartlett, sir. Major Rupert Erwin Bartlett. - Yes, quite so. 144 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,949 - You've considered my application? - The junior ministerial vacancy. 145 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,110 Ah, yes. Ah, ah... 146 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,236 Junior Minister. 147 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,073 Oh! I don't think I've had the pleasure. 148 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,118 - You remind me of someone. - Er, mm... 149 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,191 My grandson. Shields. 150 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,999 Delighted to meet you. 151 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,557 - You're not up for the junior minister? - No, I'm only a... 152 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,517 Newspaper man! 153 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,559 - What a coincidence! So am I. - The major owns the Tinmouth Times 154 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,712 in his constituency - little town in the West Country. 155 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,156 - Over 200 miles away. - 200 miles? 156 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,276 That's a nice long way. 157 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,830 Well, I... My grandson was just telling me 158 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:24,152 how much he would like to work on a provincial newspaper. 159 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,074 Prime Minister, I have a splendid idea! 160 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,709 Good, that's settled, then. He can start tomorrow morning. 161 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,236 Thank you, Major. I won't take up any more of your time. 162 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,790 But the ministerial vacancy, could you give me a decision? 163 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,032 Now, don't worry, Barclay, I've got your name well in mind. 164 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:52,830 You sort out the travel arrangements, Ballard. Hm? Erm... 165 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,512 A one-way ticket to Tinmouth. 166 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,717 - It's already done, Prime Minister. - Oh, oh. 167 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,837 Oh, Ballard. 200 miles! 168 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,353 (Both laugh) 169 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,192 200 miles! 170 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,635 - Ballard! Ballard! - Oh, sir! 171 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:14,391 Oh, oh, oh... Thank you, Ballard. 172 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,550 Now, sir. We're wanted in the House. 173 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,192 Miss Thompson will take care of you, Mr Shields. 174 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,713 Goodbye. 175 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,679 200 miles! Ha! 176 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,352 - Ballard! - Sir David! 177 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:29,509 (Crash) 178 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,919 Tinmouth! Tinmouth. 179 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,476 Tinmouth! 180 00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:56,795 (Whistle) 181 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,750 Young man! Young man! 182 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,717 You've got my bag! 183 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,075 This is yours! 184 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,271 Please give me my bag! 185 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,316 Give me my bag! 186 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:23,599 You've got yours! Give... me... my... bag! 187 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,036 - (Fading) Give it to me! - Look after that. 188 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:04,109 - (Laughs) You got back, then? - She got her bag though, that lady. 189 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,749 - Oh, yeah? Where? - Penzance. 190 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,114 - Can I have mine, please? - Yeah. 191 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,276 Thank you. 192 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,197 - Not bad. - Not at all bad. 193 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,674 - Ah, Shields! - Bartlett. 194 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,039 Actually, you were due here at nine. 195 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,076 Still, I suppose, first morning. 196 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,196 - Bit of a rush I expect. - Mm-hm. 197 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:32,477 I dare say you'd like to meet your colleagues. 198 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:37,479 Here's Mr Norman Shields, our new reporter. 199 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,516 Mr Ross, the editor. 200 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,916 Miss Lampton. 201 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,275 I hope you'll be very happy with us. 202 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,676 All right, come with me. 203 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,229 (Typing) 204 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,394 Shields, I expect a capacity for work and punctuality. 205 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,439 I regret to note that you appear to lack the latter quality. Understand? 206 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,317 Right, Chief. 207 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,675 You do shorthand, of course? 208 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,716 I'm afraid not. 209 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,756 You type? 210 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,598 Mr Shields, do you think you could cover this? 211 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,750 Right, Chief. What is it? 212 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,316 - A jumble sale. - (Shouts) Jumble sale?! 213 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,989 "To be opened by the Mayor, New Congregational... 214 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,196 Mr Shields, I've read it! 215 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,430 (Subdued) Right, Chief. 216 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,636 Now, here is a map. 217 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,795 You will find the Congregational Hall marked on this map. 218 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,475 - Right, Chief. - Don't call me Chief all the time. 219 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,838 Notebook? 220 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,472 Pencil? 221 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:25,952 Yellow. 222 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,836 Got a bicycle? 223 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,950 You'll have to buy one. 224 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,669 In the meantime, you can borrow one from Pearson. 225 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,716 Right, Chief. 226 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,790 (Siren bells ringing) 227 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,589 Where's the New Congregational Hall? 228 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,716 That was it over there. 229 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,153 Fred. 230 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:48,957 "Fire... Hydrant." 231 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:51,474 And I had this all... 232 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:59,393 Press! Press! Press, Press, Press, Press, Press! 233 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,550 Tinmouth Times! 234 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,596 Make way for the Press! 235 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,351 Excuse me. 236 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,670 Er, are you the Mayor? 237 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,390 Oh! 238 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,552 I've, erm... I've been sent to cover the jumble sale. 239 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,794 - Press, you know. - It's been postponed. 240 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:23,668 Ah! Post... poned. 241 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,230 - Cos of the fire? - This gentleman's responsible. 242 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,516 What, for the fire? Oh-hoo-hoo! 243 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:34,479 - No, for the jumble sale. - Oh, I beg your pardon! 244 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:38,030 - I seem to have come too late. - You can't be too late. I told you. 245 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,190 (Spitting) It's been postponed! 246 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,076 Yeah, well, thanks very much. 247 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,956 You see a bike? 248 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,273 Oi! My bike! 249 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,510 That's mine! You thieving... 250 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,953 Here! Hey! This isn't a stop, you know. 251 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,919 - Not right. Unfair to the others. - That man's pinched my bike! 252 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,436 Has he now? That's not right. No, no. 253 00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,795 - Faster, faster! - Faster. 254 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,359 Faster! 255 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,071 Follow that bike! 256 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,549 - Tell him to go faster! - Go faster. 257 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,757 Put your foot down. Watch where you're going! 258 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,912 You gotta catch him, that's my bike! 259 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,434 We'll call for that queue on the way back. Shall I tell 'em or you? 260 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,715 - You. - All right. 261 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:55,873 (Rings bell) 262 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,314 Won't be long! We won't be long! 263 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,515 I told 'em we won't be long. 264 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,470 Very kind of you, Tubby. 265 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:20,432 Don't let him gain on us, Tubby. Tell him! 266 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:22,636 Don't let him gain on us! 267 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:27,314 Get a move on! He's only got a bike. You've got a blooming great bus! 268 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,630 (Tyres squealing) 269 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,517 Hurry up and catch him or go round the other way. 270 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,715 You're closing on him. That's it! Go on! 271 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,238 Go on! You're dropping behind. 272 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,239 Good boy! 273 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,039 He's got my bike and I'm determined to have him. 274 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,116 (Frantic hooting) 275 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,349 (Crashing) 276 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,756 Oh, you've let him get away! 277 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,070 Keep going and we'll head him off. 278 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:50,032 He's behind! I told ya, we got him! 279 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:53,112 It's no use-we got ya! You can't beat a bus! 280 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,794 - Slow down! I'll get him! - Slow down! 281 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:10,396 - He's gone right! Take the next turning! - Turn right! 282 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,516 (lnaudible) 283 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,919 Erm, excuse me. 284 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,992 I say, I'm really most awfully sorry, 285 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:59,390 but that wasn't my bike after all! 286 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,837 - Can I help you? - Oh, thank you very much. 287 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:52,835 - You are going in here, ain't you? - Yes. Thank you very much. 288 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,190 Thank you very much. 289 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,475 Young man, this isn't my... 290 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,991 You again! 291 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,676 Well! If it isn't our new ace reporter. 292 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:53,598 A funny thing happened to me on the way to the jumble sale. 293 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:56,194 Oh, come on, cheer up. Have a drink. 294 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:58,236 I don't really, erm... 295 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,349 Oh, come on! Be a devil. 296 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,670 You're a reporter now. 297 00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:06,478 Eddie? 298 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,836 - Same again, Miss Lampton? - Yes, but make it two. 299 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,679 Well... Good reporting. 300 00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,716 And you. Er... 301 00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:39,517 Er, it's quite nice. 302 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,190 (Bubbling) 303 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,351 (Retches) 304 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:07,389 It's not bad. I think I'll have some of this. 305 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:10,116 Same again... 306 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:12,873 Eddie. 307 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,595 - (Bubbling) - (Groans) 308 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,869 Erm, I'm so glad I met you tonight. 309 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,838 Can't tell you how glad. 310 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,559 Well, I've got quite an evening ahead. 311 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:49,790 I've to cover the council meeting. 312 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,952 (Slurred) Eleanor, do you think I could come with you? 313 00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:57,272 I've never been to... I've never been to a council meeting. 314 00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:00,909 You must be mad, but if you want to, you're very welcome. 315 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,752 Marvellous! 316 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:04,831 Are you ready, then? 317 00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,951 Er, see you. 318 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:10,519 Aha! 319 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,634 That's where the Lady Mayor, Alderman Mrs Corcoran, sits. 320 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,676 Labour, of course. 321 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,351 What, up there? 322 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,556 Doesn't she get dizzy? 323 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:35,676 The Lady Mayor is always dizzy. 324 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,517 So are her council. 325 00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:41,114 I heard what you said about the council. 326 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:46,149 Let me inform you, the lady's remarks refer only to the Labour members. 327 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:50,119 - Not to us Conservatives. - Well, bully for you, Councillor Edge. 328 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:55,073 Ah! There's the Mayor's husband. 329 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:00,314 - Conservative? - No, Labour. 330 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,591 Alderman Corcoran, about this agenda, I have something to say. 331 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:08,992 You keep your ears open, mate, and you'll hear what I have to say. 332 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,640 Conservatives are on the right. 333 00:34:11,720 --> 00:34:15,030 Labour are on the left. The Labour have the majority. 334 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:48,116 (Hiccups) 335 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:50,039 (Hiccups) 336 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:01,795 (Hiccups) 337 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:12,628 - Water. - No! Sh! 338 00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:26,837 (Hiccups) 339 00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,671 A glass of water. 340 00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:33,157 (Norman hiccups) 341 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:35,470 (Whispers) A glass of water. 342 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:37,437 (Hiccuping continues) 343 00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:10,993 (Loud hiccup) 344 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:25,513 Psst! 345 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:35,198 (Hiccups) 346 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,276 Hello, gorgeous. 347 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,195 It's a bit crowded in here tonight. 348 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:02,669 Harry Marshall, the County Chronicle. 349 00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:05,194 Norman Shields, the Times' latest addition. 350 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,794 Herewith conveil this trial, 1953 by grace of our royal. 351 00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:13,110 The agenda which, on the minutes of this, 352 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,795 is duly had in the housing committee of suburban development. 353 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:21,431 The housing committee, which had forgotten the civil low-down, 354 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:25,513 as duly made, with an asterisk which marks each one separately... 355 00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:27,670 That's the town clerk, Mr Nottage. 356 00:37:27,760 --> 00:37:29,830 Bit of a bore, but he's all right. 357 00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:35,153 And the assistants which grade for this in this county council order, liaison... 358 00:37:35,240 --> 00:37:37,879 Hold the fort for me. I'll be back for the speeches. 359 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,838 (Nottage) Other councils take heed, and a deep heed, 360 00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:44,037 for this stands in their own chamber over their worship too 361 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:46,270 as a mutual agreed fine. 362 00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,875 And this as far as the river's concerned, but this doesn't matter. 363 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:53,794 Now this, underlined and underhand this dale 364 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:57,634 and Hansard in the Houses of Parliament follows this, 365 00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:00,154 supported by the industrial on either side. 366 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:03,835 Now I call upon Hawdrobe Cawl. 367 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:08,314 As chairman of the housing committee, 368 00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,834 I can say without fear of contradiction, 369 00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,390 - our housing record is second to none. - Hear, hear. 370 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,597 I speak for us all on this side of the chamber 371 00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:20,274 when I say how proud we are of... 372 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:28,919 (Chairman) The building of phase one of our new... 373 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:32,160 The speeches are on! 374 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:41,472 We have met with opposition, particularly from certain members... 375 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:43,312 She's on... 376 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,949 - Hear, hear. ...petty restrictions and impediments, 377 00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:51,989 with the single-minded determination that we have always displayed 378 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,038 in our undertakings for the people of this town. 379 00:38:55,120 --> 00:38:57,554 She's on the phone. 380 00:38:57,640 --> 00:38:59,596 Her boyfriend, I suppose. 381 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:02,831 - (Chairman) It is with great pride... - Boyfriend? 382 00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:06,993 - Major Bartlett. - (Chairman)... members of this council... 383 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,071 - The Major? - Why not? 384 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:13,790 He owns a newspaper, he's an MP - she knows what she's doing. 385 00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:15,916 During our term of office, 386 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:18,468 we have built 1,000 houses. 387 00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:20,994 - I don't believe it! - Sh! 388 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:27,032 So, Councillor Edge doesn't believe it. 389 00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:31,989 Councillor flaming Edge has the flaming nerve to call me a liar to my face! 390 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:35,675 I shall ask Councillor flaming Edge to apologise at once! 391 00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:37,990 Point of order! Point of order! 392 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:41,789 Councillor Edge will feel the back of my hand if he's not careful! 393 00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,633 - Mr Mayor, I protest... - Hooliganism! 394 00:39:44,720 --> 00:39:47,393 Vulgar exhibitionism! 395 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:50,153 - (All shout at once) - Appeal to clause seven! 396 00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:53,755 Someone should quell this, sir! 397 00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:57,596 If I could appeal the House... 398 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:01,638 You're the cause of this! You're the... 399 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:05,034 He's right! I've got to explain. 400 00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:06,758 - Mrs Mayor! - Shut up! 401 00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,195 Alderman Whatshisname... 402 00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:12,511 - (Nottage) They're pleading the rules... - Order, please! 403 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:15,558 - Your Worship, please... - Oh, dear. 404 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:18,950 Some must indicate the close of this thunderbowl! 405 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:20,996 Hey, gabblemouth! Shut up! 406 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,640 (Mumbles incoherently) 407 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:28,470 I have been insulted by a man unfit to clean my shoes! 408 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:32,872 - It wasn't me, it was that idiot reporter! - It was nothing of the kind! 409 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,714 Trying to wriggle out of it? Yellow-belly! 410 00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:39,236 Point of order! Mr Nottage, do something, please! 411 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:42,517 I've got none of the civil of this chamber! 412 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:46,275 The whole crowd! I would not suppress this in my own house! 413 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,557 - There is a problem in this chamber. - Mrs Thingummy! 414 00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:52,393 - Ladies and gentlemen! - Mr Macebearer. 415 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,675 Kindly remove this person. 416 00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:05,997 Order! Order, please! 417 00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:08,752 (Smashing crockery) 418 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:20,833 To start a fight like this is absolutely disgraceful! 419 00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:27,272 - I've been stabbed! - You murderer! 420 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,112 - Traitor! - Rabble! 421 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,111 - Housewife! - (Gasps) 422 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:37,670 - You Tory butcher! - I'm dying. Meeting adjourned. 423 00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:40,071 - Meeting adjourned. - (Crash) 424 00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:43,596 - Meeting adjourned. - Oh, boy. What a story! 425 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,189 There. That is the last of the coffee. 426 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,750 Oh, no. I don't want any more coffee. 427 00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:13,638 - I've had about a gallon already. - Come on! 428 00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:15,711 (Gurgles) 429 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:19,110 - Now, what happened? - Oh. 430 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:22,112 Alderman Corcoran said... 431 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:28,469 He said he was gonna clump Councillor Edge round the earhole. 432 00:42:28,560 --> 00:42:30,710 - (Cackles) - Well, go on! 433 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:33,075 (Sings drunkenly) 434 00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:36,596 (Spits and whistles) 435 00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:40,468 Susannah's a wonderful soul 436 00:42:40,560 --> 00:42:43,074 - (Whistles) - Have some more coffee, please! 437 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,116 No! 438 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:47,555 (Chuckles) 439 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:52,638 ( 440 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,709 - (Music stops) - Now. 441 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:15,473 Please. Go on with the story. 442 00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:20,918 Ha-ha-ha! A lady hits a man on top of the head. 443 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:25,198 Who hit who on top of the head, you silly little man? 444 00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:29,353 A lady hit a man on top of the head. Oh-ho-ho! 445 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,271 Erm... 446 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:37,989 - I dunno. - Try and think! 447 00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:40,389 The meeting was adjourned. That's all. 448 00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:42,710 Oh, take it off. I'll sponge it. 449 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,438 (Phone) 450 00:43:46,880 --> 00:43:48,996 - Hello? - Hello, poppet. 451 00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:51,435 I'm on my way over to you. 452 00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:55,274 Darling, while I was talking to you, there was a riot at the meeting. 453 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:58,238 - 'Little Norman was...' - Oh, I see. 454 00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:02,916 He had a couple of drinks and I had to get the story out of him somehow. 455 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:07,232 Eleanor? Could we twist the angle a bit? 456 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:09,595 Arrange it to suit ourselves? 457 00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:11,750 Give it an anti-Labour slant. 458 00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:16,674 It'll appear as Shields' article. And get rid of him. 459 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:18,955 'See you later. Bye, darling.' 460 00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:20,393 Bye. 461 00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:44,237 (Laughter) 462 00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:02,392 Do you know where I could get a bed, please? 463 00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,760 Not at this time of night. 464 00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:13,595 Yes, well, I was just wondering if you could fix me up at your place? 465 00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:15,750 - Police station? - Mm. 466 00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:18,790 Haven't done anything wrong, have you? 467 00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,110 Who me? No, no. No! 468 00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:23,191 Then keep moving! 469 00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:25,475 What, all night? 470 00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:16,309 He did what? 471 00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:18,516 No, Lady Mayor. 472 00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:20,830 Er, yes, Lady Mayor. 473 00:46:20,920 --> 00:46:22,876 I see, Lady Mayor. 474 00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,072 Goodbye. 475 00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:28,958 Apparently, we've distorted all the facts. 476 00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:31,474 She says Shields started the whole thing. 477 00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:33,312 Oh, no! 478 00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:35,630 - What are we gonna do? - Sack him. 479 00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:39,633 - Wait a minute. After all, he has got... - (Both) What? 480 00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,836 (Sighs) Potentialities. 481 00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:44,434 Potentialities? He hasn't come in yet! 482 00:46:44,520 --> 00:46:46,476 (Snores) 483 00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:01,919 Blimey, I've done it again! 484 00:47:10,240 --> 00:47:12,037 Ah! 485 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,479 Ah. Mr Shields? 486 00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:27,635 Could you spare a moment of your valuable time? 487 00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:37,476 Major Bartlett would like to see you in his office. 488 00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:39,869 - What for? - What for?! 489 00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,315 We've got a right one here, haven't we? 490 00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:44,436 You've only been on the staff a few days 491 00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:47,876 and you've got the entire town council at each other's throats. 492 00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:50,997 Do you know, Mr Shields, that because of you, 493 00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:55,790 Councillor Quilter is in hospital with concussion, and needed five stitches, 494 00:48:55,880 --> 00:48:58,474 that Councillor Edge, Major Bartlett's agent, 495 00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:00,596 is in bed with nervous prostration, 496 00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:03,956 and that Councillor Mrs Doe Connor has resigned from the council 497 00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,190 and from public life? 498 00:49:06,280 --> 00:49:10,239 And why do you think the Major wants to see you in his office? 499 00:49:12,680 --> 00:49:15,592 - The sack? - Good boy! 500 00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:29,755 Morning, Major. 501 00:49:29,840 --> 00:49:33,276 Morning, Eleanor... er, Miss Lampton. 502 00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:38,236 - You wanted to see me, sir? - Simply to congratulate you. 503 00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:44,477 - Congratulate me? - On your splendid article. 504 00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:46,869 Look, it wasn't really me... 505 00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:48,951 it was Miss Lampton. 506 00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:52,157 It was your story, Mr Shields. 507 00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:54,708 Look, fair's fair. 508 00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:58,998 - She... She wrote it. - From the facts you gave me, my dear. 509 00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:02,277 - The credit is all yours. - (Sniggers) Well... 510 00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:04,999 - If you say so. - Good. 511 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:08,595 So we're all agreed that it was entirely your article. 512 00:50:08,680 --> 00:50:10,477 All agreed? 513 00:50:10,560 --> 00:50:12,437 - Yeah. - Good. 514 00:50:12,520 --> 00:50:15,159 Cos it's thoroughly upset the Council. 515 00:50:15,240 --> 00:50:18,710 I suggest you go to the Mayor's house forthwith and apologise. 516 00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:21,951 - On your way, Shields. - Do I have to? 517 00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,271 Borrow Pearson's bicycle and this time don't lose it. 518 00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:28,909 - Right, Chief. - And don't keep calling me Chief! 519 00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:31,116 Well, roger and out, then. 520 00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:37,589 You know something? Little Norman's got a thing about you. 521 00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:03,872 - Who threw this? - I did. 522 00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:07,316 - What you got in here, Mister? - (Rings bell) 523 00:51:13,280 --> 00:51:17,273 - Give us a ride on your bike, Mister! - Oi, shorty! 524 00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,316 (Laughter) 525 00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:49,469 (Laughter) 526 00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:30,550 Er, good morning. May I be permitted to speak to Her Worship, my Lady Mayor? 527 00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:32,631 Won't you sit down? 528 00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:35,191 (Child) Come on! 529 00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:37,589 (Dog barking) 530 00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:57,796 Good gracious! 531 00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:01,589 Er, morning, Your Worship. I'm Shields of the Times. 532 00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:03,636 Yes, I remember you. 533 00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:07,752 Er, perhaps you'd like to put your bicycle in the kitchen? 534 00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:19,076 Oh, careful! 535 00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:26,879 (Clatter) 536 00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:35,036 Oh, careful! 537 00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:48,916 Oh, oh, oh! 538 00:54:01,320 --> 00:54:03,675 Oh, oh, oh! Just a moment! 539 00:54:09,440 --> 00:54:11,476 (Ripping) 540 00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:13,832 (Ripping) 541 00:54:13,920 --> 00:54:15,672 Take it! Take it. 542 00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:30,638 Oh, my dear! This is Mr Shields of the Times. 543 00:54:30,720 --> 00:54:33,314 Mr Shields, my daughter Liz. 544 00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:35,630 - How do you do? - How do you do. 545 00:54:37,280 --> 00:54:39,840 Shouldn't we let him down? 546 00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:41,876 Oh, yes. 547 00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:56,711 Put your glasses on, you silly girl! 548 00:54:56,800 --> 00:54:58,756 (Squeals) 549 00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:24,078 Thank you. 550 00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:27,716 The kitchen. 551 00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:33,513 Oh, dear, we'd better tidy up. Come along. 552 00:55:36,000 --> 00:55:40,278 - What does he want? - That, my dear, I've yet to find out. Oh! 553 00:55:43,720 --> 00:55:46,029 I-I'm sorry about that. 554 00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:49,999 Still, never mind. It's nice to have a bit of peace and quiet, innit? 555 00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:52,355 - (Clattering) - Damn and blast! 556 00:55:52,440 --> 00:55:54,396 It's my husband. 557 00:55:54,480 --> 00:55:56,789 Ernest, is that you, dear? 558 00:55:56,880 --> 00:55:58,950 Who the hell did you think it was? 559 00:56:02,360 --> 00:56:05,909 - What maniac left that bike in there? - Mr Shields of the Times. 560 00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:09,117 - Daddy, do keep calm. - I will when I'm good and ready 561 00:56:09,200 --> 00:56:11,111 and not before. 562 00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:15,159 Put your glasses on, girl. You're blinking like a pedestrian crossing. 563 00:56:15,720 --> 00:56:17,472 What do you want? 564 00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:21,189 I came about last night's council meeting. You made a mistake. 565 00:56:21,280 --> 00:56:24,511 Last night? Oh, I'll deal with this, dear. 566 00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:28,229 - You two go and make a cup of coffee. - But I wanted to apologise... 567 00:56:28,320 --> 00:56:32,598 - Come and have a drink, Shields. - Oh, no. I've packed it up. 568 00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:34,636 Last night's council meeting, eh? 569 00:56:34,720 --> 00:56:39,589 Yes. See, I was responsible cos it was me who said it, not Mr Edge. 570 00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:44,117 Of course it was! I knew it all the time. (Guffaws) 571 00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:46,555 Do you think I'm deaf, then? 572 00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:48,471 (Both laugh) 573 00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:51,233 It couldn't have been Edge, anyway. 574 00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:55,313 - Why not? - Cos he hasn't got the guts! 575 00:56:57,320 --> 00:57:00,596 Would you like an item of real interest for your paper? 576 00:57:00,680 --> 00:57:04,673 Oh, yeah! Hold these, hold these. Hang on. 577 00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:07,957 - Oh, dear. - Now then. Here we go. 578 00:57:08,040 --> 00:57:10,998 There is only one man that matters in Tinmouth. 579 00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:15,312 - Only one. - Only one. Alderman Ernie Corcoran. 580 00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,391 You're... 581 00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:21,109 And Major blasted Bartlett knows that too! 582 00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:25,798 He won't even have the nerve to turn up on Saturday. 583 00:57:25,880 --> 00:57:28,519 - Where? - The Keir Hardie Estate, fool! 584 00:57:28,600 --> 00:57:31,797 - What's that? - The opening of the thousandth house! 585 00:57:31,880 --> 00:57:35,111 Here. With an election just around the corner, 586 00:57:35,200 --> 00:57:37,953 that will be worth 500 votes to me! 587 00:57:39,560 --> 00:57:45,078 And when that time comes there'll be a new man on the train for Westminster! 588 00:57:45,440 --> 00:57:48,955 - No Major blasted Bartlett. Oh, no! - Not him! 589 00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:51,756 Yeah. Guess who? 590 00:57:51,840 --> 00:57:55,469 I don't know. Guess who? Well, I mean... 591 00:57:58,400 --> 00:58:00,709 It's right on the tip of my tongue. 592 00:58:02,400 --> 00:58:04,152 Ernie Corcoran? 593 00:58:05,240 --> 00:58:07,196 (Corcoran) That's right! 594 00:58:07,280 --> 00:58:09,236 Here, off you go. 595 00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:11,276 Don't forget, eh? 596 00:58:11,360 --> 00:58:15,069 Oh, I couldn't forget. I got it all down. 597 00:58:15,160 --> 00:58:17,515 Publish and be damned. 598 00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:21,954 Publish... and be... 599 00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:25,190 damned-oh! 600 00:58:32,520 --> 00:58:35,478 Publish and be... I'll just put me shoes on! 601 00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:43,551 - Won't you stay for some coffee? - I'd better not, thanks. 602 00:58:43,640 --> 00:58:45,790 - Your bike! - Oh, yeah. 603 00:58:48,360 --> 00:58:50,316 It must be awfully exciting. 604 00:58:50,400 --> 00:58:53,949 It's all right going downhill, but uphill gets the back of your legs. 605 00:58:54,040 --> 00:58:56,031 No, working on a newspaper. 606 00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:58,759 - Oh. - The presses and everything. 607 00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:02,753 Oh, that's exciting too. Pop in sometime, I'll show you round. 608 00:59:02,840 --> 00:59:05,798 - Oh, I'd love to. Thank you very much. - All right. 609 00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:07,313 Bye. 610 00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:10,836 Don't you think it would be easier out the back way? 611 00:59:10,920 --> 00:59:12,876 Well, safer. 612 00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:14,598 (Giggles) 613 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:33,875 - Little Norman strikes again. - But it's the truth! 614 00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:37,873 - Mr Corcoran word for word. - You have a lot to learn, sweetie. 615 00:59:39,240 --> 00:59:43,199 Ah, Mr Shields. Would you be so kind as to pop along to the Major's office? 616 00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:45,475 He would like a few words with you. 617 01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:14,588 So, Alderman Corcoran is to be on the train to Westminster? Not me? 618 01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:17,478 - So he said. - You expect me to publish that? 619 01:00:17,560 --> 01:00:21,030 - "Publish and be damned", he told me. - Get out! 620 01:00:21,120 --> 01:00:23,315 - Out? - Out of the office! 621 01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:26,756 - (Phone) - Out of this town! Out of the country! 622 01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:33,836 What? Who? 623 01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:37,356 Can't you speak up? Oh, Mr Prime Minister! 624 01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:40,238 Yes, sir. Yes, he's right here, sir. 625 01:00:40,320 --> 01:00:42,515 He wants to speak to you. 626 01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:45,356 Hello, Grandad. 627 01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:47,431 No, it's no good. I don't... 628 01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:50,717 I can't help it. I should be back at Westminster tomorrow. 629 01:00:50,800 --> 01:00:53,155 (Enraged shouting) 630 01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:56,114 - He's gone potty. - Mr Prime Minister? 631 01:00:56,200 --> 01:00:58,395 He must have misunderstood. 632 01:00:58,480 --> 01:01:02,189 No, he's a great asset to the newspaper. Yes. 633 01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:05,317 Oh, no, sir. I've promoted him. Yes! 634 01:01:05,400 --> 01:01:09,712 Er... to political and municipal correspondent. 635 01:01:09,800 --> 01:01:12,439 Yes, he's a splendid fellow. 636 01:01:12,520 --> 01:01:14,715 Chip off the old block. 637 01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,360 Yes, sir. Right, Mr Prime Minister. 638 01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:21,553 Political... and municipal! Golly! 639 01:01:21,640 --> 01:01:25,474 What do you reckon will be my first assignment? Sir? 640 01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:28,309 Keir Hardie Estate. Tomorrow. 641 01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:32,075 - The thousandth house. - Oh, Corcoran mentioned that. 642 01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:34,435 Said it'd be worth 500 votes to him. 643 01:01:34,520 --> 01:01:38,991 Another thing he said... I shouldn't tell you really! 644 01:01:39,080 --> 01:01:41,548 He reckons you'd be scared to go! 645 01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:44,550 - He did, did he? - Yeah. 646 01:01:44,640 --> 01:01:47,950 - Send Mr Ross in, please. - I'll tell him. 647 01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:59,432 Ah, Mr Ross! Would you be so kind as to pop along to the Major's office? 648 01:01:59,520 --> 01:02:01,670 He'd like a few words with you. 649 01:02:08,920 --> 01:02:10,876 For heaven's sake! 650 01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:15,511 I been promoted! The Major said "My dear lad, you are an asset to us." 651 01:02:17,720 --> 01:02:21,235 So. We have a new political correspondent. 652 01:02:21,320 --> 01:02:26,269 - Political... and municipal. - (Grimly) And municipal. 653 01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:29,193 Rather a long-felt want, don't you think? 654 01:02:29,280 --> 01:02:32,989 - Shouldn't you be at a baby show? - I'm on my way! 655 01:02:33,080 --> 01:02:35,514 Eleanor! Eleanor! 656 01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:38,398 Soon those babies will be adolescent! 657 01:02:38,480 --> 01:02:40,869 Come out tonight. I must celebrate. 658 01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:43,110 Let me take you out to dinner, eh? 659 01:02:43,200 --> 01:02:46,988 - Come on. - Oh, all right. Just this once. 660 01:02:50,080 --> 01:02:52,036 Victoria Hotel? 661 01:02:52,120 --> 01:02:54,350 - Half-past seven? - Right. 662 01:03:03,400 --> 01:03:06,710 ( 663 01:03:30,280 --> 01:03:32,874 I've always wanted to do that! 664 01:03:37,120 --> 01:03:39,714 I'm supposed to be meeting a girlfriend. 665 01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:42,360 But I'm early. 666 01:03:42,440 --> 01:03:46,433 Oh. I'm supposed to be meeting someone too. (Laughs) 667 01:03:46,520 --> 01:03:51,389 If we waited together, you could teach me to wiggle my fingers. 668 01:03:51,480 --> 01:03:53,550 Will you order now, sir? 669 01:03:58,360 --> 01:04:01,511 - What will you have, Miss Corcoran? - Oh, please call me Liz. 670 01:04:01,600 --> 01:04:03,556 Erm, orange squash. 671 01:04:03,640 --> 01:04:07,155 - I don't drink alcohol. - One orange. And? 672 01:04:07,240 --> 01:04:09,390 Two orange... squashes. 673 01:04:18,640 --> 01:04:21,359 Erm... Your dad's quite a character. 674 01:04:21,440 --> 01:04:24,000 I'm glad you liked him. He liked you. 675 01:04:24,080 --> 01:04:25,991 - Eh... - No, honestly! 676 01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:28,514 He said "I think he'll be very useful." 677 01:04:31,160 --> 01:04:34,869 Oh, did he? Well, all that stuff about the Keir Hardie Estate 678 01:04:34,960 --> 01:04:39,238 and Ernest Corcoran being the only man who matters, Bartlett wouldn't publish. 679 01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:42,596 I'm not surprised. It's a Tory newspaper. 680 01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:45,638 Well, I am covering the house opening tomorrow 681 01:04:45,720 --> 01:04:48,359 and they're gonna print what I say. 682 01:05:00,880 --> 01:05:04,270 Oh, darling! I'm so glad you found a little friend 683 01:05:04,360 --> 01:05:08,956 because I just can't make it tonight - I'm stuck with some dreadful office thing. 684 01:05:09,040 --> 01:05:11,076 A press girl's life isn't her own. 685 01:05:11,160 --> 01:05:13,116 Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Believe me. 686 01:05:13,200 --> 01:05:15,953 - (Stutters) - I'll explain it all in the morning. 687 01:05:16,040 --> 01:05:18,508 Now... have fun, you two. 688 01:05:51,640 --> 01:05:54,074 She's got some lovely clothes. 689 01:05:56,600 --> 01:05:58,636 I'm sorry, Norman. 690 01:05:59,920 --> 01:06:01,876 - Liz? - Yes, Norman? 691 01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:05,520 Put your hands together. 692 01:06:05,600 --> 01:06:07,670 Now, press your fingers down. 693 01:06:07,760 --> 01:06:10,069 No, only the two middle ones. 694 01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:15,672 No. Now, put your glasses on again, eh? 695 01:06:17,240 --> 01:06:21,597 Right. Now, finger exercises begin. Turn around. 696 01:06:58,920 --> 01:06:59,955 No! 697 01:07:02,120 --> 01:07:05,351 Hey! Bricks are for building, not throwing. 698 01:07:05,440 --> 01:07:06,839 Ow! 699 01:07:06,920 --> 01:07:09,070 (Car draws up) 700 01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:16,719 Thank you. 701 01:07:16,880 --> 01:07:18,836 - (Boing) - Ooh! 702 01:07:18,920 --> 01:07:20,956 (Faint applause) 703 01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:26,593 Sorry, sir. I didn't notice you was in there. 704 01:07:26,680 --> 01:07:28,432 (Laughter) 705 01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:38,916 Oh, I nearly did it again! 706 01:07:39,000 --> 01:07:40,911 - (Thud) - Aah! Ooh! 707 01:08:18,360 --> 01:08:20,749 Aah! Aah! 708 01:08:43,040 --> 01:08:46,635 - Oh, no! - Shut your eyes and don't look down. 709 01:08:53,480 --> 01:08:55,152 Help! 710 01:09:03,080 --> 01:09:05,435 Are you all right, dear? Come along. 711 01:09:05,520 --> 01:09:08,910 - We'll get a chair. - Oh, thank you. 712 01:09:23,520 --> 01:09:25,556 (Whispering) 713 01:09:42,960 --> 01:09:45,633 This great moment through this afternoon 714 01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:48,359 for the launch of this 1,000th of houses 715 01:09:48,440 --> 01:09:51,000 which culminate in the progress of this council. 716 01:09:51,080 --> 01:09:54,789 We're graced with the august presence of Lady Mayor for the gathering 717 01:09:54,880 --> 01:09:57,189 and Major Bartlett the self-made man 718 01:09:57,280 --> 01:10:01,512 which made the newspaper beneficent for the whole humanity. 719 01:10:01,600 --> 01:10:05,798 All the family, great for this house which gave them the slummery 720 01:10:05,880 --> 01:10:08,155 and a pleasant prospect in the heart of it. 721 01:10:08,240 --> 01:10:12,631 And now the mauve scroll for the duke, Major Mayor Bartlett. 722 01:10:24,520 --> 01:10:26,033 Go on! 723 01:10:26,120 --> 01:10:29,157 Your Worship, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen. 724 01:10:29,240 --> 01:10:32,789 Never mind the speeches, when do we get into our house? 725 01:10:32,880 --> 01:10:35,235 Now, wait a minute, please. 726 01:10:35,320 --> 01:10:37,276 As your Conservative MP, 727 01:10:37,360 --> 01:10:39,430 I congratulate your Labour corporation 728 01:10:39,520 --> 01:10:43,274 on reaching our target of 1,000 houses... at last. 729 01:10:43,360 --> 01:10:46,796 Your target? Twaddle! You lot just talk. We build. 730 01:10:46,880 --> 01:10:48,836 - Who planned the estate? - Who built it? 731 01:10:48,920 --> 01:10:53,311 Never mind who did what! Cut the politics. When are we gonna get in? 732 01:10:53,400 --> 01:10:56,517 No, no. Please, please. Ladies and gentlemen, 733 01:10:56,600 --> 01:10:58,636 I'm delighted to be here this afternoon. 734 01:10:58,720 --> 01:11:03,077 And now without more ado, I will formally open the 1,000th house 735 01:11:03,160 --> 01:11:05,116 with this golden key. 736 01:11:06,280 --> 01:11:08,157 Key. Key. 737 01:11:10,120 --> 01:11:11,951 - Key? - Key? 738 01:11:12,040 --> 01:11:14,235 The key! 739 01:11:14,320 --> 01:11:15,719 Key? 740 01:11:32,880 --> 01:11:33,869 (Crowd gasps) 741 01:11:37,720 --> 01:11:40,359 Now, sit down, everyone, and don't panic. 742 01:11:40,440 --> 01:11:43,637 I know where to find it. Keep talking, Mr Mayor. 743 01:11:43,720 --> 01:11:47,872 Don't sit down, I'm taking the chair away. Ha, ha, ha, ha! 744 01:11:48,880 --> 01:11:52,634 Er... ladies and gentlemen, I would be doing less than my duty, 745 01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:57,714 were I not to thank all the people behind the scenes who have worked so hard 746 01:11:57,800 --> 01:11:59,756 on the, er, plumbing. 747 01:11:59,840 --> 01:12:02,752 And then of course we must thank... 748 01:12:02,840 --> 01:12:05,877 - Oh! - (Laughter) 749 01:12:08,760 --> 01:12:10,796 Aah! 750 01:12:24,080 --> 01:12:25,832 I got it! The golden key. 751 01:12:25,920 --> 01:12:28,309 I've got it. I've got the key. I've found it. 752 01:12:28,400 --> 01:12:30,595 Everybody on your feet! Come on. 753 01:12:30,680 --> 01:12:33,433 On your feet. It was under the platform. 754 01:12:33,520 --> 01:12:35,715 The golden key. 755 01:12:35,800 --> 01:12:39,156 Everybody into the house. All inside! Come on! 756 01:12:51,400 --> 01:12:54,392 (Croaks) Erm... This is the hall, 757 01:12:54,480 --> 01:12:56,516 and that is the lounge. 758 01:12:57,560 --> 01:13:00,028 - Hall and... - Lounge. 759 01:13:03,280 --> 01:13:05,111 Excuse me. 760 01:13:05,200 --> 01:13:07,668 - Stop pushing at the back! - Stop pushing. 761 01:13:20,520 --> 01:13:23,432 - Hold it! - The bedrooms are upstairs. 762 01:13:23,520 --> 01:13:24,873 Ooh, my back! 763 01:13:29,520 --> 01:13:34,548 This is the larger bedroom, or what I like to call the master bedroom. 764 01:13:54,560 --> 01:13:56,471 Enough in there! Hold it! 765 01:13:57,200 --> 01:14:01,113 This is the small bedroom but there isn't enough room for all of us. 766 01:14:01,200 --> 01:14:02,758 Oh! 767 01:14:09,000 --> 01:14:12,276 - The house is collapsing! - Everybody out! 768 01:14:14,840 --> 01:14:16,512 Hurry! Hurry! 769 01:14:17,360 --> 01:14:19,396 - Everybody out! - Hurry up! 770 01:14:47,200 --> 01:14:50,272 Now look what you've done - you and your politics! 771 01:14:51,640 --> 01:14:53,949 I've got to get back to the paper. Ta-ta. 772 01:14:55,120 --> 01:14:57,190 Well done, Corcoran. 773 01:15:00,880 --> 01:15:02,472 (Laughter) 774 01:15:29,080 --> 01:15:32,959 Oh, darling. The Keir Hardie Estate article's on your desk. 775 01:15:33,040 --> 01:15:35,793 - Just sign it, will you? - Sign it? 776 01:15:35,880 --> 01:15:38,314 I haven't even written it yet! 777 01:15:38,400 --> 01:15:41,836 I did it for you. On the Major's instructions. 778 01:15:43,600 --> 01:15:45,670 Erm... I see. 779 01:15:46,680 --> 01:15:49,240 Well... thank you. 780 01:15:50,840 --> 01:15:53,593 - What's the hurry? - Darling, I have a date. 781 01:15:53,680 --> 01:15:56,240 I have to bath, change and be out by eight. 782 01:15:56,320 --> 01:15:59,232 - Where are you going? - Is that your business? 783 01:15:59,320 --> 01:16:01,276 Yes, it is. 784 01:16:01,360 --> 01:16:04,796 Who's this special man that you have got to have a bath for? 785 01:16:04,880 --> 01:16:07,348 You've no right to question me! 786 01:16:07,440 --> 01:16:10,591 Oh, yes, I have-because I love you! 787 01:16:14,240 --> 01:16:16,276 I do love you, Eleanor. 788 01:16:17,720 --> 01:16:21,713 Norman, you must get this nonsense out of your head. 789 01:16:22,280 --> 01:16:26,114 We'll have a nice, long chat later this week, I promise you. 790 01:16:28,240 --> 01:16:32,677 - It's Major Bartlett you're seeing, isn't it? - If you must know, yes, it is. 791 01:16:32,760 --> 01:16:36,673 I thought so. Well... he is the boss, isn't he? 792 01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:40,320 And my future husband. 793 01:17:13,400 --> 01:17:14,958 Oh. 794 01:17:15,040 --> 01:17:17,952 Oh, I thought it was... 795 01:17:18,520 --> 01:17:21,637 I was just passing. You said to drop in if... 796 01:17:23,080 --> 01:17:25,036 Did I? 797 01:17:25,120 --> 01:17:29,398 Oh, yes. Erm... Yes. 798 01:17:29,480 --> 01:17:33,314 If you're busy writing your article about this afternoon, I'll... 799 01:17:33,400 --> 01:17:35,516 No, not really busy. 800 01:17:36,120 --> 01:17:38,156 It's been written for me. 801 01:17:38,240 --> 01:17:40,356 Major Bartlett's approval slip. 802 01:17:44,360 --> 01:17:47,989 "The opening of the 1,000th house on the Keir Hardie Estate 803 01:17:48,080 --> 01:17:50,594 "was a happy occasion for all concerned. 804 01:17:50,680 --> 01:17:55,196 "Major Bartlett's witty speech... Golden key to happiness?! 805 01:17:55,960 --> 01:17:58,190 "Delighted family take up residence?!" 806 01:17:58,280 --> 01:18:00,430 It's a load of lies. 807 01:18:00,520 --> 01:18:04,274 - Well, you know. - What are you going to do about it? 808 01:18:04,360 --> 01:18:07,113 - What can I do? - Don't let them get away with it. 809 01:18:07,200 --> 01:18:10,237 - Make them print the truth! - I can't! 810 01:18:10,320 --> 01:18:14,313 - What about Major Bartlett? - Blast Major Bartlett and party politics! 811 01:18:14,400 --> 01:18:17,790 - What about your father? - With all due respect, blast him too! 812 01:18:17,880 --> 01:18:20,155 (Laughs) Oh, Liz! 813 01:18:20,240 --> 01:18:22,470 Anyway, they'd never print it. 814 01:18:24,760 --> 01:18:28,309 They would if you put on Major Bartlett's approval slip. 815 01:18:41,320 --> 01:18:42,878 Erm... 816 01:18:42,960 --> 01:18:47,556 Just a minute, erm... Disaster hits the Keir Hardie Estate. 817 01:18:48,360 --> 01:18:50,316 House falls down. 818 01:18:55,360 --> 01:18:57,874 - Morning, Rigby. - Morning, Major. 819 01:18:58,560 --> 01:19:00,039 (Hums) 820 01:19:00,120 --> 01:19:03,908 - What are you doing in my office? - Have you gone stark, staring mad? 821 01:19:04,000 --> 01:19:07,197 - Cutting both our throats? - What are you talking about? 822 01:19:07,280 --> 01:19:08,793 Look. 823 01:19:12,000 --> 01:19:14,639 "Both political parties claim credit..." 824 01:19:14,720 --> 01:19:18,235 - This isn't the article I authorised! - So who the hell wrote it? 825 01:19:18,320 --> 01:19:23,075 - It could only be one person. - Shields. 826 01:19:23,160 --> 01:19:26,550 Bartlett, you get rid of that little idiot reporter of yours 827 01:19:26,640 --> 01:19:29,598 or some of your unsavoury behaviour 828 01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:32,319 will be exposed at the forthcoming election. 829 01:19:32,400 --> 01:19:36,075 So there's going to be mudslinging at the election, is there? 830 01:19:36,160 --> 01:19:37,912 Anyway, what election? 831 01:19:38,000 --> 01:19:41,470 Let's not kid ourselves. You know very well what election. 832 01:19:41,560 --> 01:19:44,870 Take my advice-get rid of Shields! 833 01:19:48,760 --> 01:19:51,035 This article-how did it get in? 834 01:19:51,120 --> 01:19:54,430 - It had your approval slip on it. - Absolute disaster. 835 01:19:54,520 --> 01:19:58,513 Take Shields off politics and put him out of harm's way-entertainments. 836 01:19:58,600 --> 01:20:00,556 Yes. 837 01:20:01,800 --> 01:20:04,268 - Good morning, Major. - Get out! 838 01:20:04,360 --> 01:20:07,875 - (Stammers) About housing... - Get out, Miss Popkiss! Get out! 839 01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:09,916 I must get rid of that woman. 840 01:20:12,640 --> 01:20:14,631 Get out! 841 01:20:16,200 --> 01:20:18,236 Not you, dear lad. 842 01:20:24,280 --> 01:20:27,829 Once again, I must congratulate you. An excellent article. 843 01:20:28,520 --> 01:20:30,909 Really? 844 01:20:31,000 --> 01:20:34,959 Well, it isn't exactly good for you, is it? 845 01:20:37,120 --> 01:20:40,715 - Or Mr Corcoran. - That's what I like about the article. 846 01:20:40,800 --> 01:20:43,314 It's so entirely unprejudiced. 847 01:20:43,400 --> 01:20:47,598 So in future you'll be covering entertainments. 848 01:20:47,680 --> 01:20:51,195 - What, as well as politics? - Instead of. 849 01:20:52,720 --> 01:20:55,075 But I like writing about politics. 850 01:20:55,160 --> 01:20:58,311 It could give me a chance to help someone. 851 01:20:58,400 --> 01:21:01,676 What better way to help the townspeople than making them happy? 852 01:21:01,760 --> 01:21:03,751 Entertainments. 853 01:21:04,880 --> 01:21:06,996 I like politics. 854 01:21:07,880 --> 01:21:10,599 - I'll ask Grandad. - Oh, no, no! 855 01:21:10,680 --> 01:21:14,070 If you can find a way of promoting entertainments, 856 01:21:14,160 --> 01:21:16,469 this newspaper will back you all the way. 857 01:21:17,480 --> 01:21:20,153 What, you mean I can arrange 858 01:21:20,240 --> 01:21:22,470 and, erm, organise things? 859 01:21:23,840 --> 01:21:25,796 Anything you like. 860 01:23:04,480 --> 01:23:06,710 I didn't hear you ring. 861 01:23:07,880 --> 01:23:11,077 - You're Willoughby. - I know who I am. Who are you? 862 01:23:11,160 --> 01:23:15,551 - I'm Shields of the Times. - A reporter? How delicious! 863 01:23:15,640 --> 01:23:18,791 - I'm in charge of entertainment. - There isn't any. 864 01:23:18,880 --> 01:23:21,678 Except what we make ourselves. 865 01:23:21,760 --> 01:23:24,354 What are your plans for holiday crowds this year? 866 01:23:24,440 --> 01:23:27,477 Same as last year and, funnily enough, the year before that. 867 01:23:27,560 --> 01:23:29,516 - None. - None? 868 01:23:29,600 --> 01:23:31,750 But this is a holiday resort. 869 01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:33,796 This is a last resort! 870 01:23:33,880 --> 01:23:37,350 We've got a chocolate machine with no chocolate in it, 871 01:23:37,440 --> 01:23:40,671 two speak-your-weight machines with the voices gone, 872 01:23:40,760 --> 01:23:44,514 and we've got a distorting mirror that's cracked. 873 01:23:44,600 --> 01:23:48,115 On Major Bartlett's authority, our paper will back you all the way. 874 01:23:48,200 --> 01:23:51,715 Major Bartlett? That's interesting. All the way? 875 01:23:52,600 --> 01:23:54,556 Er, Memo to Ross. 876 01:23:55,560 --> 01:23:58,836 As my election campaign has now started, 877 01:23:58,920 --> 01:24:01,036 you will virtually be in charge. 878 01:24:02,560 --> 01:24:04,710 - (Knocking) - What do you want, Shields? 879 01:24:04,800 --> 01:24:09,749 I have had the most marvellous idea! And Willoughby's going to help. 880 01:24:09,840 --> 01:24:13,310 - Who's Willoughby? - The town's entertainments officer. 881 01:24:13,400 --> 01:24:16,631 Oh. Well, type it in triplicate and submit it in the usual way. 882 01:24:16,720 --> 01:24:20,679 I can't wait for all that. This is a beauty contest. With girls. 883 01:24:20,760 --> 01:24:23,718 Not in keeping with the dignity of the newspaper. 884 01:24:23,800 --> 01:24:26,234 Dignity of the... What do you reckon? 885 01:24:26,320 --> 01:24:31,474 A beauty contest could be very dignified, Major. I could enter for it myself. 886 01:24:33,520 --> 01:24:35,715 - All right, then. - Yes. 887 01:24:35,800 --> 01:24:37,711 A dignified beauty contest. 888 01:24:38,600 --> 01:24:42,036 - Busy, Major? - Oh, just organising a beauty contest. 889 01:24:42,120 --> 01:24:44,759 Oh? 890 01:24:44,840 --> 01:24:47,673 - How interesting. - It was Shields' idea. 891 01:24:47,760 --> 01:24:49,955 Thank you, Miss Fairchild. 892 01:24:53,360 --> 01:24:56,636 If you want me, Major, you've only to buzz. 893 01:24:56,720 --> 01:25:00,349 So you're using the new girl now, instead of Miss Popkiss? 894 01:25:00,440 --> 01:25:03,193 Yes, she's much faster. 895 01:25:03,280 --> 01:25:05,236 That I can well believe. 896 01:25:05,320 --> 01:25:07,788 - Now, darling... - Erm... 897 01:25:07,880 --> 01:25:11,509 Er, shall I carry on with my beauty contest column? 898 01:25:11,600 --> 01:25:15,479 - Yes, do, Shields. - I'll do about 500 words... 899 01:25:17,440 --> 01:25:19,590 Beauty contest? Twaddle! 900 01:25:19,680 --> 01:25:23,593 Then he has the gall to criticise the council for no summer shows. 901 01:25:23,680 --> 01:25:27,229 Cracked distorting mirrors, chocolate machines with no chocolate! 902 01:25:27,320 --> 01:25:29,276 It's a dirty, filthy libel! 903 01:25:29,360 --> 01:25:31,999 - Dirty, filthy truth, Daddy. - Liz, dear! 904 01:25:32,080 --> 01:25:34,036 It seems like that to me. 905 01:25:34,120 --> 01:25:38,079 Holiday-makers don't come here. What's the use of a beauty contest? 906 01:25:38,160 --> 01:25:41,038 - I think Norman's right. - Norman? 907 01:25:41,120 --> 01:25:44,999 - Perishing little halfwit! - He might not sound clever to you, 908 01:25:45,080 --> 01:25:47,833 and perhaps he doesn't put things well, 909 01:25:47,920 --> 01:25:51,117 but he says something because he believes in it, 910 01:25:51,200 --> 01:25:53,156 not to get something from it. 911 01:25:53,240 --> 01:25:58,109 If I thought for one instant that you were getting interested in that midget reporter, 912 01:25:58,200 --> 01:26:00,270 I'd have him out of this town so fast... 913 01:26:00,360 --> 01:26:02,510 Careful. You'll have one of your attacks. 914 01:26:27,000 --> 01:26:29,275 Hurry up. There's not much time. 915 01:26:29,360 --> 01:26:31,635 That's all right. We're all ready now. 916 01:26:31,720 --> 01:26:36,350 - Girls all here? - I'll count 'em. There should be seven. 917 01:26:37,560 --> 01:26:39,357 (Screaming) 918 01:26:39,440 --> 01:26:41,396 What happened? 919 01:26:41,480 --> 01:26:43,550 Erm... only six. 920 01:26:45,080 --> 01:26:48,516 - Liz! - I just came to wish you luck, Norman. 921 01:26:48,600 --> 01:26:51,478 If there's anything I could do to help... 922 01:26:56,000 --> 01:26:59,117 Hey, Liz, you can help. 923 01:27:00,320 --> 01:27:02,436 Will you be a contestant? 924 01:27:03,440 --> 01:27:05,590 One of the girls hasn't turned up. 925 01:27:07,800 --> 01:27:10,439 - Do you think I dare? - Why not? 926 01:27:10,520 --> 01:27:13,034 Come along now. don't let's talk rubbish. 927 01:27:14,360 --> 01:27:17,397 You're a bit late! We were about to put a substitute in. 928 01:27:18,480 --> 01:27:20,550 What, her? 929 01:27:20,640 --> 01:27:22,676 Right, Liz. Get changed. 930 01:27:22,760 --> 01:27:25,911 - But I haven't got any... - Well, borrow some! 931 01:27:27,160 --> 01:27:29,116 Right, it's time. 932 01:27:29,200 --> 01:27:33,478 Don't forget-you're in charge backstage because I'll be compering. 933 01:27:33,560 --> 01:27:35,551 So good luck. 934 01:27:47,960 --> 01:27:51,157 Chocolates? Cigarettes? 935 01:27:53,200 --> 01:27:55,236 (Usherette) Cold drinks? 936 01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:58,588 All those posters and nobody's interested. 937 01:27:58,680 --> 01:28:02,832 Men not interested in girls - I can't believe it! It's unhealthy. 938 01:28:14,960 --> 01:28:17,110 The... The judges. 939 01:28:17,200 --> 01:28:19,236 Look after 'em. 940 01:28:32,160 --> 01:28:34,151 Police! Police! 941 01:28:34,240 --> 01:28:37,835 Over the road! There's girls walking about with hardly any clothes on! 942 01:28:37,920 --> 01:28:41,356 Don't go over there! It's just like a harem. 943 01:28:41,440 --> 01:28:44,273 They've all gone raving mad over there. 944 01:29:06,800 --> 01:29:08,756 Right, stand by! 945 01:29:09,480 --> 01:29:11,516 Everybody on stage! 946 01:29:16,480 --> 01:29:18,869 - Well done, Norman! - Ready? 947 01:29:18,960 --> 01:29:21,599 Give me a few seconds before curtain up. 948 01:29:21,680 --> 01:29:24,035 Where's the pianist? No pianist! 949 01:29:24,120 --> 01:29:26,998 - You'll have to play. - I'm the compere down there! 950 01:29:27,080 --> 01:29:29,071 And the pianist, down there. 951 01:29:42,760 --> 01:29:44,716 (Norman grunts) 952 01:29:49,320 --> 01:29:51,311 (Groans) 953 01:29:51,400 --> 01:29:53,755 (Audience laugh) 954 01:29:57,000 --> 01:29:58,956 (Clanging piano strings) 955 01:29:59,880 --> 01:30:01,438 (Laughter) 956 01:30:13,680 --> 01:30:15,238 (Applause) 957 01:30:25,440 --> 01:30:27,396 (Compere) Miss Elizabeth Rivers. 958 01:30:29,640 --> 01:30:31,358 (Applause) 959 01:30:39,000 --> 01:30:42,151 - Miss Penelope Squires. - (Applause) 960 01:30:53,080 --> 01:30:56,436 And now... Miss Ruby Fairchild. 961 01:30:56,520 --> 01:30:58,351 (Applause) 962 01:31:28,120 --> 01:31:29,951 (Applause) 963 01:31:34,320 --> 01:31:39,189 And now a young lady who, when you see her, 964 01:31:39,280 --> 01:31:41,157 will take your breath away. 965 01:31:42,400 --> 01:31:44,595 (Gasps) Like that. 966 01:31:45,840 --> 01:31:49,913 Luscious, scrumptiously attractive and... beautiful. 967 01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:52,956 Miss Liz Corcoran. 968 01:31:57,640 --> 01:31:59,596 I can't! 969 01:31:59,680 --> 01:32:01,830 You can. 970 01:32:04,800 --> 01:32:07,234 (Applause) 971 01:32:19,600 --> 01:32:21,556 Bring down the curtain. 972 01:32:27,360 --> 01:32:31,399 Now, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your voting cards? 973 01:32:32,640 --> 01:32:34,790 I think you'll find we're all agreed. 974 01:32:40,600 --> 01:32:42,033 Norman! 975 01:32:45,280 --> 01:32:46,633 (Laughter) 976 01:32:53,400 --> 01:32:55,231 The winner. 977 01:32:56,560 --> 01:32:59,632 - Ruby Fairchild. - It's rigged. The Major. 978 01:33:01,040 --> 01:33:03,270 Don't worry, it's none of our business. 979 01:33:04,240 --> 01:33:06,196 Ruby Fairchild. 980 01:33:08,640 --> 01:33:11,598 Ladies and gentlemen, on this piece of paper 981 01:33:11,680 --> 01:33:14,035 is the name of the Tinmouth beauty queen. 982 01:33:15,040 --> 01:33:18,589 When the curtains part, you will see her on the throne. 983 01:33:25,720 --> 01:33:27,472 (Booing) 984 01:33:29,600 --> 01:33:31,955 (Jeering) 985 01:33:42,160 --> 01:33:44,116 (Shrieks and sobs) 986 01:33:48,960 --> 01:33:51,110 Please leave me alone. 987 01:33:56,320 --> 01:33:58,276 (Angry shouting) 988 01:34:00,000 --> 01:34:03,879 Now, er, gentlemen, if you'll just... Please! Gentlemen, if you... 989 01:34:03,960 --> 01:34:07,270 - Er, gentlemen, please! - Ruby! 990 01:34:07,360 --> 01:34:09,954 Ooh! Eleanor. 991 01:34:10,040 --> 01:34:11,473 Ooh! 992 01:34:12,960 --> 01:34:16,077 - What have you to say about this? - Keep out of this! 993 01:34:16,160 --> 01:34:18,958 Gentlemen, I would like to say a few words. 994 01:34:19,040 --> 01:34:20,996 Gentlemen, conduct yourselves 995 01:34:21,080 --> 01:34:24,755 in the dignified manner to which this town is accustomed. 996 01:34:24,840 --> 01:34:27,877 This demonstration is an example of Labour hooliganism 997 01:34:27,960 --> 01:34:30,030 and it will not be tolerated. 998 01:34:30,120 --> 01:34:33,237 That, Bartlett, is a remark that you will live to regret. 999 01:34:33,320 --> 01:34:35,550 Our Labour stock has never stood higher. 1000 01:34:35,640 --> 01:34:40,555 This trumped-up beauty contest is nothing more than a Tory conspiracy. 1001 01:34:40,640 --> 01:34:44,519 You're sabotaging the years of sacrifice I've given this constituency. 1002 01:34:44,600 --> 01:34:48,036 Sacrifice? You've only ever spoken once in the House of Commons 1003 01:34:48,120 --> 01:34:51,078 and that was to ask for a window to be opened. 1004 01:34:51,160 --> 01:34:54,470 - Look, I'm going now. - Yes. You're fired. 1005 01:34:55,840 --> 01:34:59,276 That doesn't surprise me. But before I do go, 1006 01:34:59,360 --> 01:35:02,716 don't you two ever think of anybody but yourselves? 1007 01:35:02,800 --> 01:35:06,076 I mean, you're both intelligent men. 1008 01:35:06,160 --> 01:35:09,232 - I wish I had your brains. - Turn on the mike. 1009 01:35:10,480 --> 01:35:13,074 - (Click) - (Echoing) You're an MP. 1010 01:35:13,160 --> 01:35:15,151 - And I soon will be. - Who knows? 1011 01:35:15,240 --> 01:35:18,596 - Over my dead body! - Whoa! What's the matter with you? 1012 01:35:18,680 --> 01:35:21,672 'Why don't you leave off? All you do is bicker.' 1013 01:35:21,760 --> 01:35:24,035 Now let me have my say. 1014 01:35:25,440 --> 01:35:28,079 As I see it, you two are like... 1015 01:35:29,640 --> 01:35:32,632 captains of a sort of people's ship of life. 1016 01:35:32,720 --> 01:35:38,033 'And they rely on you two to steer them on a safe course.' 1017 01:35:38,920 --> 01:35:43,630 But because of your own selfishness, you keep on taking them into storms 1018 01:35:43,720 --> 01:35:46,917 with big waves. 1019 01:35:47,000 --> 01:35:51,312 And if you and all the other politicians and the leaders of the world 1020 01:35:51,400 --> 01:35:55,791 don't work together, you know, one of these days... 1021 01:35:55,880 --> 01:35:58,030 Open the curtains! 1022 01:35:58,120 --> 01:36:00,236 ...you're gonna drown all the people. 1023 01:36:00,960 --> 01:36:05,795 Here. I been talking a lot, ain't I? 1024 01:36:05,880 --> 01:36:08,269 I have to get off me soapbox. 1025 01:36:08,360 --> 01:36:10,669 '(Laughs)' 1026 01:36:10,760 --> 01:36:14,548 Oh, well, I'm going back to me pater's town in Westminster. 1027 01:36:15,320 --> 01:36:17,470 Goodbye, sir. 1028 01:36:18,920 --> 01:36:20,990 (Cheering) 1029 01:36:35,480 --> 01:36:38,040 Well done, Norman. Go on, take a bow. 1030 01:36:41,160 --> 01:36:43,276 - Bye, Robin. - Bye-bye. 1031 01:36:48,920 --> 01:36:51,036 Give those to Liz for me. 1032 01:37:07,600 --> 01:37:09,192 Norman. 1033 01:37:12,880 --> 01:37:14,552 - I'm going, Liz. - Why? 1034 01:37:14,640 --> 01:37:17,313 - I don't think I've been successful here. - I do. 1035 01:37:17,400 --> 01:37:20,836 Daddy and Major Bartlett are having a drink at the hotel. 1036 01:37:20,920 --> 01:37:24,117 - That's a good start. - Yeah, a good start. 1037 01:37:24,200 --> 01:37:26,395 - Bye. - Norman! 1038 01:37:27,960 --> 01:37:31,350 - Couldn't I come with you? - What about your dad? 1039 01:37:31,440 --> 01:37:34,193 He'd lose a daughter but he'd gain a son. 1040 01:37:34,280 --> 01:37:36,555 - Yeah. - (Whistle) 1041 01:37:36,640 --> 01:37:38,915 Come on, we'll miss the train. 1042 01:37:41,600 --> 01:37:44,876 - We've missed it! - No, we haven't!